Ruminations: Purpose
I love computer science, at least I think I do. Nothing else has captivated my attention for so long throughout so many trials and tribulations. It has been ever-present in my life as soon as I learned of the power to make computers do things beyond their initial interfaces.
I don’t know how it started. likely could’ve been Scratch. I know my Dad holds some responsibility. In a way my life has revolved around computer science for at least over a decade. Definitely most of my life has been dedicated to the binary art.
It’s my job, and really the only job I’ve ever known. A blessing and a curse.
I have been flirting with the idea of leaving the silicon behind due to recent hysteria around AI. But there is a very stubborn voice within me that feels how this thing I love can never be taken “from me”, especially by a system I have dwindling respect for.
I hear a lot about the difficulty in making the thing you love your job. Now that I’ve experienced it, it makes sense. I have seen how conflation of a passion and a necessity can sour one’s relationship to what they loved.
But maybe they don’t love it like I do.
IT classes in primary school would frustrate me because we weren’t learning the cool stuff I was doing at home fast enough. At this point I can’t even remember if I did GCSE Computer Science but… Surely? Though I do remember by the time A-Level had arrived, I was bored stiff by - your coursework is making TkInter GUIs! while in my limited free time I had left the syllabus behind.
University arrives, Covid arrives, nightmare ensues. Extracurricular Computer Science takes a hit but I still revel in the joy of what’s left of it. The crushing weight of circumstance takes its toll. I felt cheated by having spent years salivating at the thought of formally studying the most captivating subject in the known universe only to be hit with the rude awakening of academia as an institution to be navigated, especially during a time of great societal disruption in the form of the Covid Pandemic response.
I did not have the best time.
I remember wrestling with the idea that I could do less interesting modules - to get better grades - to get a better degree classification - to get better jobs - to make more money… But that’s so many steps and the first hurdle is insurmountable.
I was doing this for the love of the learning, I was surprised not everyone else thought like that too. Why would I avoid a topic because the tests might be so hard they leave a mark on my transcript. who gives a fuck about a transcript ( A lot of people actually, apparently ).
I went in thinking University was just an environment to study, for the sake of studying. But instead it has these other strange characteristics and relationships with extracurricular concerns (like finding a job) that seem to get in the way of the whole - study for the sake of studying part.
was I naive?
I don’t think so! ( maybe a little )
I trusted the perspectives that were available to me at the time.
Although it definitely looks like that in hindsight.
So, after graduating, I made the challenging decision not to immediately pursue a PhD. This Uni thing seems kind of messed up.
Work is even worse
Had one… weird… job
Got another shit one
But the current one seems cool and interesting
Though still mired by the same additional bureaucratic sludge I seem to be finding everywhere else.
Side projects have returned with renewed fervour but go through waxing and waning periods of occupying my time.
So what is to be done about the thing that I love so dear! especially when it has now been so co-opted by the most useless cunts about, in the form of Silicon Valley tech bros.
I could retreat into a cave and explore my interests in isolation. It would be very familiar and probably lots of fun.
I miss making jokes about being a greasy computer scientist, and being teased for being a goblin and spending all my time indoors to sing to the silicon. Now I’m a tech bro? I read about how the current tech bro flavour given to the field is actually the tail end of a decades-long process of masculinisation, and in my view, separation from the artistry within computer science to a glorification of its rugged application. I used to laugh to myself about how I would love to study some niche, absolutely useless field just for the sake of it. Now that idea seems against the current vibe given to software engineering/computer science.
So I don’t rock with the prevailing winds at all.
I don’t yet have a fully formed idea of what I’m going to do about this, I know it might involve having my soul chewed by the basilisk of bureaucracy, so be it, I need to do something. CS is too fine a babe.
They’re never taking this away from me
Especially not like this.